Relief: It's a Clue

There are few things quite as lovely as relief.

The meeting gets canceled. Whew. An hour back!

The project that's been hanging around your neck for weeks is finally out the door. Thank God that's done.

Maybe you have to deliver some bad news and the conversation goes better than expected. They take it surprisingly well. Even the guilt you were braced for doesn't show up.

And we go on our merry way.

Which is perfectly reasonable. Something that was taking up space has loosened its grip. Our shoulders drop. Taking a deep breath feels like a luxury we can finally afford. Maybe we even become unusually cheerful about answering email for the next fifteen minutes.

But don't waste the moment—

Relief tells us something about what we were carrying.

Okay, a lot of the time, we already know exactly what it is. Not having work done probably means worry about being called out or missing a deadline. Knowing the biopsy results will be in tomorrow is a sure-fire fear-trigger.

But what if reverse-engineering the relief could expose something that’s been hiding out underneath? Something we’ve been trying not to notice? What was going on underneath just before that sweet relief flooded our system? That’s what to look at. Like...

I don't trust that person.

I'm afraid to fail. Everybody will know I’m crap.

I’m exhausted and I’m not allowed to be exhausted.

Human beings are remarkably good at shoving things to the side because dealing with them would be worse than the current obvious issue or event. In fact, we are so good at it that sometimes, at least for a while, we might even forget about the underneath entirely.

Reverse Engineer Relief

I’m suggesting that we deliberately look at what was going on immediately before the relief. Then look for its root. Not because every emotional response requires an investigation, but because until we face it head-on, whatever it is will probably keep on nipping at our heels.

Okay, one canceled meeting doesn't necessarily mean anything. But feeling delighted every single time your weekly meeting with a particular person gets canceled probably does.

Say it’s a meeting with one of your team members—or your kid’s soccer coach—that you find yourself dreading. Wahoo, a canceled meeting makes your day! Until they ask for a rain check...

What’s interesting is that once you notice the pattern, you can’t not notice it. And you might start to wonder where the dread under the relief is coming from.

Is it the meeting or this person?

If it's the meeting, what can you do about it?

If it's the person, well, that's another can of worms.

Maybe they make you feel inadequate or push boundaries. Or there’s just something about the relationship that has you bracing before every interaction. Whatever it is, now you have something to look at. And the good news is, you can probably do something about that, too.

My thought: enjoy the sigh of relief. But every once in a while, before you go on your merry way, get curious about it.

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